Self Wars

     

Internal Submission. Everyone has their own vindictive demons. It is an indisputable truth. Unbeknownst at the time, there are those of us who obviously nurture their insatiable hunger. As a result, they feed without mercy on our falters. In time, you begin to lose slivers of your identity. Portions of your personality-disintegrated. Moral standards and obligations-obliterated. 

It continues until you no longer recognize the individual staring back at you in the mirror. You see that it mimics your every move, but you tell yourself that it could not possibly be you. The reflection eyes you with startling impudence. As you stand incredulously, the stranger releases an aura of impertinent hostility. But you can ward these demons off. With enough aspiration, you can slay them thoroughly.

We all have our assumptions about the "black sheep" of society. We illustrate them as deceptive and devious individuals. But this can be said about anyone. We do not know their stories and we too often don't even try to understand their background. Yes, we were troubled at some point in our life but that does not mean we are incapable of evolving. So, we got a bad reputation. However, we are not subjected to the tethers of those chains. We can break free. 

  

Now, you may be wondering what the purpose of this short story is. To be candid, I was not sure myself at the start. As I write now, I know the purpose: an honest self-reflection. More often than not, we try to block out our own "bad" history. It is simply human nature to do so. In school, we are taught to vigorously study our victorious advances in former times. But we somehow forget to mention the more drastic damage we've inflicted. Such as the exploitation and forced westernization of Native Americans. People are more than happy to turn a blind eye to such things. So much so that our mind removes our past self and behaviors, intentionally discarding our memories for better or worse. 

You may also be thinking, "Why would we be worse off?" The answer is simple: change requires the admission of errors. Illusions are not a substitute for life. A person cannot grow or advance if they do not acknowledge their past errors. It will not be a fun ride; I will say that much. Nevertheless, it is essential

    

So, I ask each and every "black sheep" out there: "Are you willing to take an honest reflection upon yourself?" Our self-wars can only be defeated by true acknowledgment. All I ask is that you remember where you started from and never forget what you have endured. The first step is understanding where you are in life. From there, imagine where you want to go.  Do not be a prisoner of your past. It may seem that I am asking a lot from you, and that is probably true, so I will share my story with you. For those who have overcome your low tides of life, please feel free to share your stories.

Growing up, I was a person who was easily influenced and blinded by a person's true intentions. It left me obscured, unable to find and form an identity of my own. For the most part, I enclosed myself in a box where I was the only thing that existed, suffocating myself with concerns that circulated around my sole interests.  I did not care how people viewed me or how my name was being put out there. I never gave an ounce of thought to it. 

Unintentionally, I fractured and burned my relationships to the ground. I was fueled by gasoline sparked by self needs and wants. Which would inadvertently ignite toxic reactions where I had no respect for myself or for those around me. Selfish, I know. But that was who I was. It was my prolific past and I will admit to that. Am I ashamed? Yes, I will reply hastily. Does it pain me to submit to that fact? Only with fervor distaste. But, as I stated earlier, it was a necessary acknowledgment. However, there was a subliming light at the end of the tunnel. Today, I can explicitly say that I am confident and satisfied with the person I identify myself as.